Mom's Messages: Actual Texts From My Ma "The Snowboard"

Ma: "hw ws Snowboarding/"

Me: "Fine until I caught an edge on a root, flipped in the air a couple times, then landed on my elbow and punched myself in the ribs during the dismount. I couldn't breathe well for a little while."

Ma: "hAve pictures of ths?"

Mom's Messages: Actual Texts From My Ma "The Scholarship"

Grace: "So far today I have been notified about $2000 in scholarship money I have been awarded! Excellent!"

Ma: "How   . gave u ths"

Grace: "What? Go back and read that and try again, Ma."

Ma: "who scholarship ; frm"

Grace: "Money grace gud. Me like learn."

Ma: "btch&"

Text Fetish

My phone has an autocorrect function that is not that awesome. Smell, small, smile, smooth, smite, smoothie, etc.=S&M

Yeah, that's right, anything that begins with sm- automatically gets corrected to a fetish in GIANT CAPITAL LETTERS LIKE THESE. 

The best part about it is that my phone is a sneaky bastard, and wouldn't correct it until I hit send.

"Those tacos really S&M good."
Sure, what the hell. Bring on the sadist vagina.

"I'm going to S&M King, want anything?"
Fuck yeah I do!

"I want a S&M coke."
Whoa. I draw the line at coke. Safe, Sane, Consensual.

"Brandon likes S&M"
Funny now that he's broken up with the girlfriend I sent it to.

"I want a cherry S&M"
Don't we all?

"S&M favor?"
Sounds like a hell of a favor.

"Get that S&M off your face."
Or I'll whip it off. I'll beat it off. BEAT IT OFF. Heh.


All real-life examples.

Other fun corrections:

1. Fucking=ducking (making angry texts sound adorable)
2. Hell=He'll (making less angry texts sound speech impediment-y)
3. Hte=warrants no correction to my phone (the)
4. fucktard=diciest (what the he'll? "He's a diciest," is not impactful, nor grammatically correct.)

Psychological profile as decided by my phone: Adorable Dominatrix with serious head trauma.